2/8/11

and again I feel like shit. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I wish I could just be happy with myself. Richard was being super sweet last week but forgot his ring and his phone last friday so I started to freak out even though I have no reason to think he's cheating on me, It kinda hurt me more than anything because I NEVER forget my ring. Now he's acting all funny and back to his normal self and me feeling non attractive and that this isnt what he wants. God I hate this more than anything. We both had all the time in the world to date around and stuff and he chose to be with me so i know I shouldn't be like this. I feel like such a baby always complaining about this but I don't know how to get over this feeling of unwanted ness. I had a dream about my first love today while I was taking a nap and I think that also put me in a mood funk and it's the second time within the last month that I've had dreams about him. It's not like we ever talk or anything either. It just kinda comes outta nowhere but it's seriously leaving me in a funk. Moving on... we filed our tax returns and he asked me what I wanted to do with some of the money because he's been money selfish. He wants me to get a gun but why am I gonna spend $500 on a gun I'll probably never use. I was thinking about getting my new tattoo but I would like to lose some weight before I get it because I want it on my side. I'd like to lose 20 lbs. Hopefully getting off these birth control pills will help me a little bit. I'm gonna be getting the paragard after a little while here and hope that it doesn't leave me with a whole bunch of nasty side effects. It shouldnt because it doesn't have hormones in it. That's all for now. Gonna go sulk now and wait for my husband to ask me what's wrong.